[jukebox track>>> amazed- duncan james]

WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

AAAAAARGH.
this week is just whotsamudi.
feel so drained.
already so tired and now this emotional weights are coming in at the worst timing.
i've bade goodbye to Precious Thots, my mom's not in town, money is running out, my diet is filled with MSG, get misunderstood, understand that im an ass, getting Bs, my cats shit every few hours and my overdue bills are knocking on the door.

self realisation just kicked in and im telling you, IT STINKS.
wanna explain myself for so many things, but i reckon, forget it.
this may only make things worst.

so im sorry to those im sorry for.
to jamie, sorry for being insensitive to your feelings and for ever making you feel like you should not. im grateful for all you've done and if i werent such a church mouse, i swear i would have given you so much.
but i need you to understand that i have FYPs and other things to catch up with sometimes.
i already go to school with you everyday and for first breakouts, i dont see why going out oftenly shows how deep a friendship is. (and my sundays are reserved for you pls.)
as long as we are there for each other at times of dire state or take the effort to catch up, i dont see why you should feel that im not treasuring our friendship.
and priority wise, i admit sometimes i prefer to go out with some other ppl but it is not because i hate spending time with you but because i like to hang out with new people as well. you understand what im saying?
we've known each other way back and im hoping you can understand me more than any other person can.
as for not giving/forgetting to give you presents, i am really sorry. i swear this christmas i will. [p.s: uhh when was i pissed when you opened up to me? i cant remember.]

to YT, sorry for my indecisiveness, forgetfulness and last minute back-outs. thanks for giving me a wake up call, really. thank you.

to alg, sorry for being such an unpunctual turd.

also to rahim and taufiq, sorry for being a ditcher for countless times.

and to kelvin my brother (if you even see this), im sorry if you ever feel i dont care for all the great things you did for me. because i really do.
you may tell me "it's okay" but trust me, it doesnt make me feel any better.
of all my friends, i feel most indebted to you.
for all the times you helped me when im hungry at night or console me when i cry or confide in you for random problems.
you seem to be the only male friend i have that my mom really likes.
that's why you are just like family.
treat you to teh-peng when you camp out (cos i can only afford that). good luck for your NS.

and for the umpfuckingteenth time, i am not expressing anger.
it is just that sometimes, certain things are not what i can control.
so dont judge me based on that or make accusations built on assumptions.
i realised the people i thought knew me, doesnt.

so emma, pls come home.
i have so much to tell you and baby brother, Steph.
i feel so lost without you.

it has been three years since i felt so heavy.
poly life really made me a more cheerful person.
and a blinded one as well.

note to self//
this is the phase of your life where you tell yourself:
you are becoming what you hate.